5 words Jobert Balbastro will NEVER use.

1. Weh - Sounds stupid. Really. 
2. Wagas - I don't know what it means and I don't want to know. 
3. teh - A gay lingo additive I will NEVER use. 
4. chorva - It can mean anything. Totally unacceptable. 
5. imba - An online game (Ragnarok-sucky game) influenced expression that means "imbalance" 

 If you happen to use at least ONE of the five mentioned words above. May Vishnu have mercy on your jolog soul.

I hate the words you use!

Okay, after posting "I hate you much" Jobert decides to add more words he hates and words that you can use instead. Cool eh?


1. Instead of saying "Ikaw na!" use: "Ang yabang mo!" --This is pretty much applicable in facebook or twitter. You know that instance when your "friend" brags about something and people just start saying "ikaw na!" To translate it, they're just saying na "ang yabang mo!" And to dissect it: ikaw na ang ano? Fuck. Kung sa pagsasalita may pambibitin, nagka blue balls na kami sa pagbasa nyan. "IKAW NA!"


2. Instead of trying to be cool in using "occupy" like: Occupy Wallstreet, Occupy Manila, Occupy my ass, it would be best to just shut up. Just use "terrorize" or "loiter"


3. Instead of using "baby bump" to describe someone who is obviously pregnant, just say they're pregnant...or just fat. No more sugarcoating.


4. Instead of using "crap", just say "shit" it sounds better, and if it had a smell, it would smell better too. Masyadong pacute ang crap.


5. Instead of blurting out "Seriously?!" (with tone), just shut the fuck up and listen. This is similar to the "weh" of the jolog orcs. In-english lang.


Okay, this is giving me a big headache. I need to fucking stop this right now. 

GOODBYE 2011

GOOD RIDDANCE!

They say 2012 is the year of the "end". Sorry, last time I checked, the Mayans just failed to finish their calendar no thanks to the Spaniards who literally made them dinosaurs.

I hate the "ang babae" piece

After creepling in facebook, I stumbled upon this article/piece about women. FYI, the "friend" who posted this just got un-friended.

ANG MGA BABAE.....

1. Moody: Inborn na sa mga babae to. Kung badtrip kami, wag niyo nang sasabayan.

-Wait, kapag moody kami, sumasabay kayo ha! This is just crazy.

2. Pag sinabi naming nagtatampo kami, lambing lang katapat: Yung salitang tampo way lang namin yun para sabihing lambingin niyo kami. Konting I love you niyo lang, okay na kami.

-Thats the fuckin problem. Be straight to the point! We're not codebreakers nor jigsaw puzzle solvers. And stop bullshittin` simpleng "I love you" DOES NOT WORK.



3. Gusto namin yung palagi kaming kino-compliment: Pag may bago sa itsura namin, gusto naming mapansin niyo. Kasi nakakataas ng self-confidence namin yun.

-WTF. Tapos sasabihin nyo bolero kami. THis is BS. We can't totally do this as this will backfire on us. What if you gained a lil wait? Thats new! Gusto mo pansinin namen? That's fuckin suicide man.


4. Pag napansin niyong naging sersyoso yung mga text namin, may mali: Kapag ganun, may nagawa kayong di namin nagustuhan. Kaya be alert. Kapag sinabe naming wala, meron talaga. Nahihiya lang kami. Kaya pilitin niyo kaming sabihin sa inyo. At pagtapos naming masabi, konting lambing lang. Back to normal na ulit.

-Bullshit. Really. Kung meron kami nagawa, tell us! Or is it just your hormones talking again? 

5. Selosa kami: Kaya iwasan niyong makipag harutan sa ibang girls. Lalo na sa harapan namin. Pero may ibang babae na tahimik lang kung mag-selos. Inoobserabahan lang kayo. Pero kapag napuno, simula na ng away.

-Geez. Listen to Marques Houston's "That Girl". You'll get our point.

6. Kaming mga babae, normal lang ang ma-attract sa mga gwapo: Hanggang tingin lang kami. Kasi hindi naman na namin makikita ulit. Ma-attract man kami sa 1M lalaki, ang puso namin ay para lang sa tunay naming mahal. Ganun din naman kayong mga lalaki. Kapag nakakita ng maganda at sexy. Magaling lang kayong magtago.

-Okay..so why the fuck did you even mention number 5? Fuckin` Moron. Magaling magtago? Kung magaling eh di sana hindi nyo nalaman right? Who's the bitch who wrote this again?


7. Kaming mga babae, pinagmamalaki namin yung mga mahal namin ng hindi nila nalalaman: Katulad nalang sa mga GM (Group Message), Facebook at TUMBLR.

-Who cares. Panay kayo yabang. My Bf is like this, he owns this, he bought me this, etc. SCREW THAT! Kill the insecurities ..now. 


8. Ayaw namin sa mga manliligaw na nagmamadali: Yung tipo ng mga lalaking laging nagtatanong kung kailan ba namin sila sasagutin. Naiirita kami. Kaya dapat maging matiyaga kayo kasi dun namin nalalaman kung sino talaga kayo.

-With a girl like you? I bet you won't be having suitors like that. Say, I'm like Manny Pangilinan rich, would you even hesitate? Stop lying.


9. Kapag malungkot o tahimik kami, gusto namin ng yakap galing sa inyo: Kasi iba yung pakiramdam kapag hawak niyo na kami. Gumagaan yung pakiramdam namin. :">

-Yeah right. How about new clothes? Shoes? or bags? 

10. Gustong gusto namin yung mga lalaking malaki ang respeto samin: Yung tipong pag ayaw namin magpa-kiss, hindi niyo gagawin. Instead, lalambingin ka na lang sa ibang paraan. Ang pinaka gusto naming kiss, kiss on the forehead. It symbolizes, respect.

-french kissing your forehead will never be respectful.


11. Ang nagpapa-turn on samin ay yung lalaking protective: Yung kapag kasama namin kayo, feeling namin safe na safe kami. Walang mangyayaring masama at hindi kami ilalagay sa panganib.

-Fuck. Who do you think I am? Kevin Costner?

12. Ayaw namin sa lalaking hanggang text lang: Kung mahal niyo talaga kami, patunayan niyo sa personal. Wag yung sa text lang kayo magaling. Magpaka-lalaki kayo!

-I feel sad for those with Long distance relationships. Let me translate this piece of crap - "Punuin ang balikbayan box and get be that freakin new Iphone 4s!"

13. Sobra kaming natutuwa sa mga lalaking ma-effort: Yung kahit walang special day, feel mo eh special ang araw araw niyo. Kasi sobrang nakakatuwa kapag ang lalaki laging nagpuput in ng effort. Feeling naming babae eh, isa kaming prinsesa.

-How about YOUR fuckin effort? Ganito ba kayo ka insecure? Damn.  Effort my ass. Listening to you nag is enough effort. I mean, c'mon. It is what it is.



14. Ang pangarap naming mga babae yung ipapakilala kami ng mga lalaki sa kanilang mga barkada at lalo na sakanilang pamilya: Feeling namin kami na yung pinaka maswerteng babae sa mundo. Kasi iilan lang ang lalaking naglalakas loob ipakilala kami sa parents at barkada nila. Yung iba kasi nahihiya. At feeling din nmin angkin na angkin na namin ang isang lalaki dahil nakilala na namin ang mga taong bumubuo sa buhay niya. :)


-Uhuh. I have to agree. Tell your guy na pakilala ka rin nya sa asawa nya and sa anak nya. LOL!

15. Magaling kaming mag-pretend: Kapag nasasaktan kami, nagpapaka-manhind kami. Kapag may nakitang di maganda, nagbubulagbulagan kami. Kapag may narinig na mali, nagbibingibingihan kami. Pero kapag mag-isa nalang kami, dun kami naglalabas ng sakit. Dun kami umiiyak. Kaya ang pangarap naming lalaki is yung sensitive enough sa mga nararamdaman namin. Yung kayang magtanong hanggang sa umamin kami.

-Pretentious bitch! You make the world complicated. If we do something wrong, be considerate and tell us about it. So less damage is done. Don't let us screw the night for you or the moment for you. Stop men from doing more damage. Then you blame us in the end when its YOUR fault you didn't stop us. Like what you hear everyday: "prevention is better than cure"

Fuck this piece. Really fuckin ruined my day. I guess I'll start eating ice cream while crying while watching glee or my favorite telenovela or even "the notebook" while I wait until I get my fuckin period. And to top it all of, I'd NEVER realize and accept that just probably, I create my own issues and problems. Oh..I forgot, only girls do this.

Say goodbye to your tattoo's credibility

You just killed it man!

astig points minus 1,000,000,000

I HATE MCDONALD's HOT FUDGE SUNDAE

First of all, its NOT hot.

Hot is defined as something that will burn your tongue like some hot metal or hot like spicy food. It's when your mouth feels feels so hot that its like you ate charcoal or something.

everything but the name

Please change the name to 

"sundae with fudge" 

or

  "fudgy sundae"

I HATE CRANE GAMES

WHO THE F*CK ARE YOU KIDDING?

I hate marathons

This entry is long overdue..No thanks to my day job. Yes, I do have a day job and it keeps me busy. It's more like a distraction in my blogging life.

ANYWAY, let me just say this: 

Running is the new Badminton.

You know how I feel about Badminton right?

Generally, running/marathon aren't really that bad. I mean, it's just running. But add along details like: "It's cool, it's the in thing now" makes me want to run without any clothes on.

I'd rather ride a bike than run.

You know why people are so into running? 

It's not because that its healthy, nor because its endorsed by a showbiz personality, like Derek Ramsey (no relation to the Pharaoh). People are going gaga over just because they just want to brag and show off. It's true, you heard it here first.

These people run because:

1. Just to be cool: Take their pictures taking while running, then post it in their social network sites like facebook, multiply, myspace and if you're still a loser, friendster.

2.They can't dance the running man.

3. No skills in basketball, volleyball or any team sport. Just run, no skills needed.

4.Getting ready for the zombie apocalypse. Hey, this can be useful when that happens.

5.They suck in badminton (which is a lousy sport).

6. Just to check out chicks, or men wearing short shorts.

7. To meet celebrities like Pacquiao, Derek Ramsey and Nonoy Zuniga..well Nonoy was not running, he was just watching.

8. They can't swim and go to Boracay and brag it in their facebook accounts, so they just run and brag about it.

9. Just to show off their new kicks..specifically, running shoes.

10.A lousy excuse to eat yogurt AND LOOK COOL even though it tastes like cat piss.

So there you go, 10 reason why this running fad is so popular nowadays. 

AND ALSO THIS:

YOU FREAKING PAY JUST TO RUN. 

ISNT THAT STUPID? 

CHARITY? 

CHARITY PEMPENGCO MY A$$.

RUNNING WILL NOT SAVE THE PLANET

RUNNING WILL NOT GIVE US WORLD PEACE

RUNNING WILL NOT CLEAN THE PASIG RIVER

Till the next Blog entry..Being a busy person, I gotta run.
(YES, PUN INTENDED)

Pacman knows

I HATE YOUR FAKE NERD EYEGLASSES

Damn..I hate your fake eyeglasses.

  

I can understand fake birth certificates, fake diplomas, fake boobies....

but fake nerdy eyeglasses?

I just don't get it.

Why fake the eyeglasses?

so you can look cool? 

or look intellectual?

or just because someone popular in school is wearing it and you want to be like him/her?

You know what, you look stupid.

If you wear fake eyeglasses for fashion, or just to be cool. 

Then officially, this makes you a genuine faker.

Stop wearing them or I may have to go smack your face while you're wearing one so that it be embedded on your face permanently. 

Then you have to thank me after.

"Kurt Rambis is the only guy allowed to wear nerdy glasses. He wears it because he needs it to score 200 points a game. He led the Lakers and have won 8 rings."

I HATE YOUR "LIST"

Simply stupid and selfish. I assume that this was made by girls who wanted their men to be their slaves. 

SORRY, It won't work for me! 

And guys, beware! Don't fall to this trap that you need to be the man they say you should be. 

BE YOURSELF!

Let's break down the list...

You're a lucky girl when you man:

1. FOLLOWS YOU WHEN YOU WALK OUT - What the? When you walk out, don't expect real men to follow you! Do a Talk n Text walk out and you'd get what you deserve. No, you don't get a fine of 1 million bucks, you just get to realize what a bad move it was since no sane guy will follow you.


2. CALLS YOU BACK WHEN YOU HANG UP - The question here is WHY? Why will men call you up when you hung up on them? So you can do it again? We ain't stupid.

3. HUGS YOU TIGHT WHEN YOU PUNCH HIM - Ain't this stupid? The only thing that will hug you when you punch me is a lawsuit! Or I'd let my sister who is a black belter in Shin to pain kungfu punch you in the face.


4. KISSES YOU WHEN YOU NAG - Nope.. Men, do not kiss your girlfriends when they nag. They may like it and nag even more!

5. WATCHES CHICK FLICKS WITH YOU , TOLERATES YOUR CRYING OVER LOVE STORIES- Okay..watch Basketball, Wrestling, Action films with Chuck Norris with us first, THEN we will watch you stupid chick flicks...Wait, since they are called chick flicks, they're only for chicks!


6. HANDS YOU THE REMOTE - For what?? The remote is no vibrator!


7. PASSES ON BOOZE NIGHT JUST TO LISTEN TO YOUR RANTING - Ladies, do not be fooled, we would only pass booze night only..and only if we do not have money.


8. KNOWS HOW TO SAY "I`M SORRY" AND ALWAYS TELLS YOU "I LOVE YOU". - I know how to do that... "I'M SORRY for reading this crap of a list..and I think I'd go back to my trusted BOOZE and say "I LOVE YOU to her". --Happy now????

"NOW WE CAN SAY, MEN ARE SELDOM MADE...SORT OF LIMITED EDITION" -  Yes..Men who would follow this pile of shit are seldom made alright! I tell you, this list is a disaster. It's sexist and it offends men! hehehe...

 "Feminism is the product of female selfishness, compounded by male chivalry."

I HATE THAT CLOWN!

Damn I hate clowns! 

Since I was a kid, I have been terrorized by clowns. 

Everything about them, I hate. 

The laugh, the nose, the color their skin and hair and especially the way they look at you. You just don't know if they'll be making you laugh, or they'll be stabbing you at the back.

Let me break it down to you:

1. The laugh- It's just creepy as hell. Combine the laugh of a hyena and a witch getting satisfied by her own black cat. That's how their laugh sounds like.

2. The nose- Clowns do not deserve to wear a red nose. Only Rudolph does.

3. The white makeup- They look ghostly with it. And nobody likes it.

 This is not a tomato.

4. The hair - Very unpredictable..They make Dennis Rodman look like an amateur!

Watch out for that laser gun!

5. Big liars - They lie big time, they may smile and feel happy for you, but in reality, they want to chew off your ear!

6. They have crazy names - Bozo, Bobo, Doink, Dink, Flunky, Pogo, Krusty and Payaso.

 Come to papa...

7. Clowns are evil - Remember this SCENE from Poltergeist?

If you love clowns,
it only means you're a clown!

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

NEW YEAR...NEW BLOG...

2010 is fast approaching

A new blog will launched next year.

Check it out next year!

Some info about the new blog:

1. if this blog is the north pole, the new blog will be the south pole.
2. if this blog is blue, the other one would be green.
3. if this blog is eat bulaga, the other would be wowowee.

OVER THE TOP AWARD

I cannot believe this blog won an award..

the

"most annoying blogger"

And I can't believe I'm doing this.

But since I was given an award..

Well I guess I'd have to do this.

First, I want to thank the

Girl With Glasses

who gave me this award.

Sometimes you just have to wonder, what if she takes her glasses off? Will her blog change its name automatically? I guess not, because we don't have that technology yet. And if you even thought of the answer, it only means you're stupid.

By accepting this award, few questions must be answered.
(Wow..I'm really doing this)

1. Your hair? Bushy..
   
2. Your Mother? Currently addicted to farmtown.
   
3. Your Father? Does not know about this blog.
   
4. Your favorite food? Sushi
   
5. Your dream last night? I had a boxing match with Krista Ranillo (I lost)
   
6. Your favorite drink? Water.
   
7. Your dream/goal? To be your reality check.
   
8. What room are you in? My command console center.
   
9. Your hobbies? Blogging and People watching.
   
10. Your fear? Chuck Norris.
    
11. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Inside your head.
    
12. Where were you last night? stayed up all night looking for UFOs.
    
13. Something that you aren't? A fan of twilight.
    
14. Muffins? No. I am not your cat.
    
15. Wish list item? Nuclear bomb.
    
16. Where did you grow up? Quezon City.
    
17. Last thing you did? Farted.
    
18. What are you wearing? Nothing...but clothes.
    
19. Your TV? Its colored.....black.
    
20. Your Pets? I got 3 Dogs and 3 Marsupials.
    
21. Friends? They love me..especially when Xmas is getting near.
    
22. Your Life? excitingly boring.
    
23. Your Mood? Hating on everything.
    
24. Vehicle? A big white horse.
    
25. Something you're not wearing? A bra...
    
26. Your favorite store? Any..with pretty sales ladies.
    
27. Your favorite color? Black and White.
    
28. When was the last time you laughed? When I saw this big guy carrying her GF's bag.
    
29. Last time you cried? When I thought of Chuck Norris.
    
30. Your best friend? Pandoy.
    
31. One place that I go to over and over? The washroom.
    
32. Facebook? Still thinking if I have to create an account for this blog.
    
33. Favorite place to eat? Table..with plates of course.
    

I am passing this award to the most educational blogger i have ever known...


JOBERT BALBASTRO!!

“The test of any man's character is how he takes praise”

I HATE SANTA CLAUS

I STILL HATE THE GUY IN RED!

No, I'm not talking about former president Ferdinand Marcos. Just like last year, the reasons still remain why I hate Santa Claus.


click HERE to go back in time.

i love my work

Just to add, here is another reason...

He is a perv.

sit still tommy..

Yes. Why would a stranger, an old guy who just appears only once a year obligate kids to sit on his lap just to get what they want?

People got mad at Michael Jackson and R. Kelly, but they never did complain about Santa.

Talk about being unfair.

CALLING DSWD and BANTAY BATA!

He cheats.

daddy is in saudi...

Ever wonder about the history of the song "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" came about? It did happen to the creator of the song, Tommie Connor. No, it was not his father..it was Santa. Yeah!


"Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas?
You know... the birth of Santa."

GLEE IS GAY

I HATE GLEE

Glee is defined as: malicious satisfaction.



I'd NEVER watch it, even if Megan Fox begs me to watch it with her in the nude.

I'm sorry Megan, you lost me at "Glee"

NEVER.

Factoids ala Joberto:

If you like GLEE, then there is a(n):

1. 86% probability that you can't sing nor dance so you just watch it on TV and pretend to be like them.

Jobert rules!

2. 92% probability that you'd brag this in your Facebook or twitter. I mean, c'mon..who cares? It will only make you stupid. Who the hell cares man?

3. 80% chance that you have copied the way they dress up and how the characters sing. Honestly, its annoying.

4. 95% chance you are also a copycat.

There goes the country...

5. 100% chance that you are GAY. And when I say gay, its not gleefully happy gay. It's "i love edward cullen and twilight and shark boy" kind of gay.

You "suck"

"Question: What's sicker than stepping on your own poo and loving it?

Answer: Watching glee with a smile on your face. "

I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT

I DON'T LIKE HER.

"kids"


TAYLOR SWIFT...

First of all, she's not a tailor...
she's pretending to be a singer.

Second, she's not swift. She's really (sloth) slow.

Even in facebook!!!


If she was really swift, she would have avoided...or at least made a big comeback on Kanye.

Swallows are swift. (don't get funny ideas)
Sometimes, justice is swift too.. (outside the P.I.)

But Taylor?

Duh...What's happening?


She's tailored to be slow...

"Let me repeat... I'm sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!"

I AM NOAH..and alive.

Where is Aquaman when you need him?*

Do not worry Jobertoholics.

I am alive and well. What's killing me is my day job. Man I hate my 9 to 5!!

Get ready for more hating people...watch out...



*thank you Flesh Asia Daily for the image

I HATE IT WHEN YOU STEP ON THAT YELLOW TILE

I hate it when you
step on the yellow tile in the MRT.

I'm bad(ing)ass! I break rules!

Not because I care for you, (it won't happen) but because its a green light for the guard to blow his horn...err..whistle, and for the stupid recording (yeah to warn stupid people like you NOT to step on the yellow tile!) to go on and on and on like that energizer bunny.

What will happen if I kick this guy?

"Maybe they're hardcore Marcos loyalists...as they have fun stepping on anything that's colored yellow---That one liner is so corny that I want to jump off the tracks...not!"

I HATE THE WAY YOU WAY YOU WEAR YOUR CAP

Do you wear your cap like this?

If you wear your cap like that, then screw you..haha! kidding.. don't worry that much, you still have a chance to save your life. A 1 in a million chance, but that's better than nothing.

There are 3 things you can do:

1. Read a book - Yes, stop malling, stop slacking, stop hustlin` and start reading. What book? One should start reading the book that will be useful, a book that will help you with your life. Do not read "Purpose driven life", it's a ripoff. One should be reading "How to wear a cap for dummies" or "How not to make a fool out of yourself".


2. Be a train engineer - Only train engineers are allowed to wear hats like that. GO and apply in PNR now!

Mom, it's legal to wear this stupid hat!

3. Wear a dunce cap - It's cool and unique. At least you won't be an eye sore...and you can even use the pointed hat as a weapon. ONLY COOL PEOPLE WEAR THIS CAP! So go for it!

I'm the coolest!

"As you can see..I wear my cap properly! And hell yes, I can rhyme too!"

I HATE SANTINO - "May Bukas Pa"

I hate the kid...and the show...

Okay, I'll make up reasons why I hate the kid and the show.

1. His mouth is bigger than mine! - Chicks dig this, and I guess Santino beat me to the punch.

say "MANNA!"

2. When we take a vote on what to watch, I always lose..People at home want to watch this crap. I'm still praying for the day the character dies together with the show.Ventriloquist... NOT

3. It's a ripoff, yes he will die just like the original film they copied it from. "MARCELINO" wow...how original..haha!

he dies in the end, goes to heaven END OF STORY..now let me watch!

4. His name is too unique and bad ass!

Who names their kids ZAJIAN?

5. He attracts the finest women!!!

Partida na yan..supot pa yan.

"Jobert, you really have issues..this kid is so angelic...so innocent...so adorable and lovable! I think I love him already! Oh noh..I'm having my Michael-Jackson-syndrome again!"