Monday, February 23, 2009

I HATE THIS NURSERY RHYME

Technically, It's not a "NURSERY RHYME". But kids that age already know this piece..


-1 2 3..asawa ni marie, araw-gabi walang panty...-

I'm not Mike Chan*, but I can attract girls like blood attract sharks!



OOoohhkay... big deal? What is the world teaching the youth of today and yesterday?


Just thinking about it...kaya walang panty yung asawa ni marie, kasi lalake yung asawa ni Marie...sa tingin nyo? (I need to be "bilingual" so that other kids from our beloved country can understand me too.)

labo naman ng gumawa ng rhyme na to...

Hopefully, the creator also included this in his children's rhyme..

"isa.. dalawa.. tatlo.. apat, naligo ako sa dagat at nabasa ang aking balat..."

"apat, lima, anim...kumain ako ng hilaw na mangga at ang asim.."

"anim, pito, walo...hindi nagpapagupit ang kalbo..."

eh stating the obvious naman yung "1 2 3..asawa ni marie, araw-gabi walang panty..."

siguro ginawa lang yun ng composer nun para lang legal na mabanggit ang panty noon. Kasi conservative pa mga tao noon.

Kaya kapag nagsabi ka ng "panty" eh sikat ka na or cool ka...or may chance ka manalo ng palanca award.

pero sa totoo hindi. ni- hindi nga alam sino nagcompose nun eh! hahahaha!


I simply call this..FAILURE.


"I have one for you Jobert! And it goes a little something like this: "I'm a little d.... short and stout..this is my handle and you don't need to go out.." Oh, and this one too: "eight, nine, ten.. I do not brush my teeth so now I don't have ipin." That would be more educational, am I right, Jobert?"


*host of Channel 13`s "Chowtime Na!"

Friday, February 20, 2009

I Hate it when you carry your girlfriend's handbag!

There is nothing (well, not really) that I loathe more than seeing men carry their Girlfriend's handbag.

First of all, it's not being a gentleman. Believe me, women have used this propaganda to enslave the masculine race. I may sound like a chauvinistic pig, but this is reality. I'd rather be called a pig than be a liar. (yes!)


This image has brought new meaning to "Iron Man"


Fellas, are you familiar with this line:

"Be a gentleman and carry my bag, please?"

Gets 'em every time!

Reality Check: Carrying your GF's handbag will NOT make you a gentleman.
It won't even make you look good. Your friends will laugh at you. Your dog will disown you. And people you do not even know will look at you with pity.

Trust me, with matching pink-popped-collared shirt. You could be mistaken as the next
Carson Kressley, Thom Filicia or Jai Rodriguez.

Heck, even without the pink shirt on, you'd still look gay with a capital G...More like "G" as in Gago.

Add a handbag to your "accessory" and you're a certified H-sexual.

Ladies, if you can't carry your own bag. Just don't bring any. You'll only make your boyfriend look weak: the failure of failures, the weakest weakling, the softest cotton. You do get the picture I suppose... Sure, treat your men like slaves, but not in public. Give him the respect he needs..err deserves even for just a few minutes or at least when you go out and date. Siya naman ang magbabayad ng kakainin nyo eh dba?


Free Men from slavery!

Since the beginning of time (well, not really), women have been clamoring for equality: The right to vote, gender equality and empowerment of women (not in the Spice Girls kind). But having your girl, carry her bag for you IN PUBLIC is not a good idea. There is no equality here. This is blatant slavery and oppression. Women, you have your own space in the MRT and We don't, so stop having men carry your bag and stop riding with us in the MRT!

"I would rather carry sacks of Rice or sacks of Horse shit than carry a woman's handbag."--Jobert Balbastro




"I remember the time when I had this girlfriend, she would always forcibly make me carry her Luwi Vattong handbag. I felt proud before because I have never held such an expensive bag. After a few months, I found out the bag was fake. What broke my heart was when I found out my Girlfriend was also fake."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY!

Forced to have a Valentine this February 14?

Another PAGAN celebration...


One would ask:
"But Jobert, Isn't February the month of love? And the 14th is the day of love?"


SCREW YOU.

February is not the month of love, nor is March nor June. And what do you mean by "the month of love?" Is this the ONLY month wherein we show love to our loved ones? I don't get it. February 14 is a curse, it's corrupted like our government. It's a curse for men, women and a curse for "single" individuals out there who get singled out because they are single..wow..that's kinda redundant..sorry. Anyway, this is their fault anyway, but let me discuss that later. Let's start with February 14 as a curse.

In reality, it's worst that Friday the 13th. Feb 14 is probably the suckiest day of them all as it appears that everyone, including the ones who live in caves go out and celebrate this commercially induced pagan occasion.


Let me show you...


1. Traffic here, traffic there, traffic everywhere! -
Yes, it looks like the dogs were let loose, the legions were released, the water in the dams were let go, even the convicts in the penitentiary. It's worse than a Friday pay-day kind of thing! WISH YOU JUST STAYED HOME!


2. I need to eat and I can't because everywhere I go, it's jampacked! -
Yes, even the
carinderia is jampacked! It's crazy and it's retarded! Only restaurant owners, hotel owners, motel owners, Cinemea owners, $ LOVE $ Valentines day. Ask their employees, they hate it! Imagine the load of work multiplied by 10 and the salary is still the same! WISH YOU JUST STAYED HOME!

3. Valentines Day Shopping -
Just like the Holiday shopping you had back in December, YOU WERE FORCED. Admit it. Do not be a hippopotamus nor a hippocrite. YOU WERE FORCED and WILL BE FORCED to buy something for your boyfriend (who has another girlfriend), your girlfriend (who has another girlfriend too) and that "something" must be pricey. It's like watching TWILIGHT, it's a nightmare. WISH YOU JUST STAYED HOME!

4. Mush - With a mush mush here, mush mush there, here a mush, there a mush, everywhere a mush mush....It's worse than Sleepless in Seattle!

5. The crazy things people do for this day - Yes, people do crazy stuff everyday, but February 14 tops 'em all! Let me show you some crazy things people have done during this cursed day:
  1. On the night I knew he was coming home after a long trip, I dimmed the lights and lined the floor with lit votive candles, from the front door to the bedroom...where I lay in waiting. (unfortunately, we had to move out, the house burned down)
  2. I made him a video of me taking a shower while talking and singing to him. (you can now see this in every scandal site)
  3. I bought a package of glow-in-the-dark stars from a hobby store and scanned a few on my scanner. Then I printed and cut out the scanned stars and applied them with the glow-in-the-dark ones to the bedroom ceiling. When we climbed into bed and turned out the lights, the glow-in-the-dark stars spelled out "I love yuo" across the ceiling. (I was dumped because she found out I didn't know how to spell)

STUPID: "I shaved my back for Valentine's day"

As promised, let's tackle the issue on "Single" girls and boys during this day. Single persons out there.

DO NOT FEEL BAD

Remember, February 14 is just any other day! It's just like your birthday nobody cares! No really, it's just a typical day.

NO BIG DEAL.

Single persons feel bad during this day when it's supposed to be the so called "Month of love". However, all media outlets and the society focus on the singles, singling them out.. haha!


YOU WILL NOT BE "COOLER" IF YOU'D HAVE A VALENTINE's DATE THIS FEBRUARY 14.

BID DEAL!

FOR THE SINGLE LADIES:


Don't get affected by it, if you do, then you deserve it, LOSER. And don't ever think about listening and sulking in to love songs. If you choose to do this, then you deserve to suffer. And I hope you remain single the rest of your life! It's PATHETIC!

It's like when you have a cold sore and you intentionally put hot sauce on it. It's like when you have a cut and you when you put alcohol on it, you don't blow on it. You just cry.
Again, it's all in the mind, do not let society, nor your best friend (who by the way is going to have candle lit dinner with his HER cheating boyfriend on Feb 14) pressure you and make you feel bad.

Remedy? STAY AT HOME..have pizza with the family! Have more quality time with your dog. Or better yet, sleep! At least you get to save money and you can dream of anything you want like watching a Hanna Montana concert or something.


Hey, at least you did not get fooled by the illusions of flowers and chocolates.


It's not worth it.


FOR THE SINGLE FELLAS:


Single ka? Tapos nagdadrama ka? BAKLA KA BA?


Oh you are? My bad, then it's okay for you to look out the window and listen to mushy songs while the tears flow on your fat cheeks and ask yourself a million times:
"bakit? bakit?"

If you're not gay, then you have no reason to feel bad. You have no reason to feel bad being single during Valentines. Being a guy and you feel bad on Febraury 14 will only mean you are gay.
You should celebrate because you get to spend money on yourself or with your family!

Remedy? NEVER go to single parties this day. Usually they set up single parties or single nights during Feb 14. NEVER and I mean NEEEEEVER attend these types of parties. You'll only get disappointed.

Single parties are the last resorts of rejects.

Believe me. It's more like a loser night or loser's event. I know you're single and ready to mingle, but don't do it there. You'll just encounter butt ugly women, psycho bitches, kobolds and orcs. So don't go all nike on it.


It would be better to do something productive. Go to the Casino! Where everyone loves you!

YES!

Play baccarat (that's lucky 9 for those who have less than 30 IQ), blackjack, poker, the slots with the sluts (yes they have plenty, especially when you are winning..damn vultures), Craps (yes, the casino has a game called craps), the roullette and big or small. Or you can just kiss ass a winning player so you can get
balato. Well, at least you have more money.

Another fun thing to do during the Valentine's is to annoy dating people.

YES!

Continually text them or give them a miscall. Ruin your friend's date for making you feel bad this day! Or be a nuisance to your female friends and send them corny jokes continuously. Surely their date will also be infuriated.
If you do not have the load nor the line to do that because you're dirt poor, then what you can do is to www.meatspin.com and test you endurance.

CONCLUSION:

I can say without any drop of hypocrisy in my blood that I still think Valentine’s Day is a curse and it sucks bigtime.

If you love someone, go and show it to them all year, do not put on a "special shitty show" for Birthdays, Valentines and Christmas.


Now, if you want to take an excuse to show "love" and "celebrate" this damned day, then proceed, loser!–I’ve have no problem with that.

Just do not expect me to do it any more today than any other day.


"Jobert, I believe that Valentine's does suck. There was this time, I gave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates. After that she broke up with me... Was it my fault that I can only afford sampaguita and Choc-Nut? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Huhuhuhu...."

jobertoholics around the world