I HATE YOUR PLAID SHORTS

Even with tats, you still look gay

After the introduction of popped collars and shutter shades..here comes a new one. Ladies and gentlemen...welcome another GAYdom abomination...

PLAID SHORTS

I have seen it, you have seen it and it's official..it's here!

Plaid is so gay that it makes you step on yourself for no reason at all

Fellas, c'mon... PLAID is made ONLY for women and for Scotsmen.
If you have a vagina or if you blow pipes like a scotsmen, then go ahead, wear plaid shorts/skirt.

Plaid: made for women

I've seen TV personalities who wear Plaid shorts already. And they are all gay. Some guy named Jericho Rosales, Piolo Pascual, Sam Milby and our favorite Gary V. (for the record, I WAS BEING SARCASTIC).

ooops

Save yourselves and save your face.

MEN, STOP WEARING PLAID.

If you can't help it, just wear it inside your room wherein nobody will be able to see it.

Plaid: When gays bust-a-move

"With PLAID, You won't get LAID."
-Jobert Balbastro

Women on plaid: Manna from heaven

"I wear plaid briefs and I know women will love it! The only problem is they have no opportunity to see it as I like the lights turned off."

I HATE STARBUCKS!

I really don't hate Starbucks. But what happened last weekend really pissed me off.

Starbucks girl: "And what is your name sir?"

Me: "Jobert"

And what did they write on my drink?

"Jubert"

This is not good... I thought people from Starbucks are good listeners as they are good English speakers. Hey "Starbucks" how would you feel if I mispelled your name to "Seattle'sbucks?" or even "Coffeebeanbucks?" eh?

"Is that a Strawberries and cream drink you ordered?! How gay! Just kidding my friend! You're lucky to even get to enter Starbucks. I, on the other hand is an unlucky soul. It's either the guard does not let me in, or a bunch of posers with their laptops populate the place. Starbucks is a place for drinking and eating. Not studying! Go to the Library and stop showing off your laptops! Or I'm going to smash them to smithereens! Jobert, I'm starting to sound like you, I better lay off on the coffee..."

I HATE THIS NURSERY RHYME

Technically, It's not a "NURSERY RHYME". But kids that age already know this piece..

-1 2 3..asawa ni marie, araw-gabi walang panty...-

I'm not Mike Chan*, but I can attract girls like blood attract sharks!

OOoohhkay... big deal? What is the world teaching the youth of today and yesterday?


Just thinking about it...kaya walang panty yung asawa ni marie, kasi lalake yung asawa ni Marie...sa tingin nyo? (I need to be "bilingual" so that other kids from our beloved country can understand me too.)

labo naman ng gumawa ng rhyme na to...

Hopefully, the creator also included this in his children's rhyme..

"isa.. dalawa.. tatlo.. apat, naligo ako sa dagat at nabasa ang aking balat..."

"apat, lima, anim...kumain ako ng hilaw na mangga at ang asim.."

"anim, pito, walo...hindi nagpapagupit ang kalbo..."

eh stating the obvious naman yung "1 2 3..asawa ni marie, araw-gabi walang panty..."

siguro ginawa lang yun ng composer nun para lang legal na mabanggit ang panty noon. Kasi conservative pa mga tao noon.

Kaya kapag nagsabi ka ng "panty" eh sikat ka na or cool ka...or may chance ka manalo ng palanca award.

pero sa totoo hindi. ni- hindi nga alam sino nagcompose nun eh! hahahaha!


I simply call this..FAILURE.


"I have one for you Jobert! And it goes a little something like this: "I'm a little d.... short and stout..this is my handle and you don't need to go out.." Oh, and this one too: "eight, nine, ten.. I do not brush my teeth so now I don't have ipin." That would be more educational, am I right, Jobert?"


*host of Channel 13`s "Chowtime Na!"

I Hate it when you carry your girlfriend's handbag!

There is nothing (well, not really) that I loathe more than seeing men carry their Girlfriend's handbag.

First of all, it's not being a gentleman. Believe me, women have used this propaganda to enslave the masculine race. I may sound like a chauvinistic pig, but this is reality. I'd rather be called a pig than be a liar. (yes!)

This image has brought new meaning to "Iron Man"

Fellas, are you familiar with this line:

"Be a gentleman and carry my bag, please?"

Gets 'em every time!

Reality Check: Carrying your GF's handbag will NOT make you a gentleman. It won't even make you look good. Your friends will laugh at you. Your dog will disown you. And people you do not even know will look at you with pity.

Trust me, with matching pink-popped-collared shirt. You could be mistaken as the next Carson Kressley, Thom Filicia or Jai Rodriguez.

Heck, even without the pink shirt on, you'd still look gay with a capital G...More like "G" as in Gago.

Add a handbag to your "accessory" and you're a certified H-sexual.

Ladies, if you can't carry your own bag. Just don't bring any. You'll only make your boyfriend look weak: the failure of failures, the weakest weakling, the softest cotton. You do get the picture I suppose... Sure, treat your men like slaves, but not in public. Give him the respect he needs..err deserves even for just a few minutes or at least when you go out and date. Siya naman ang magbabayad ng kakainin nyo eh dba?

Free Men from slavery!

Since the beginning of time (well, not really), women have been clamoring for equality: The right to vote, gender equality and empowerment of women (not in the Spice Girls kind). But having your girl, carry her bag for you IN PUBLIC is not a good idea. There is no equality here. This is blatant slavery and oppression. Women, you have your own space in the MRT and We don't, so stop having men carry your bag and stop riding with us in the MRT!

"I would rather carry sacks of Rice or sacks of Horse shit than carry a woman's handbag."--Jobert Balbastro

"I remember the time when I had this girlfriend, she would always forcibly make me carry her Luwi Vattong handbag. I felt proud before because I have never held such an expensive bag. After a few months, I found out the bag was fake. What broke my heart was when I found out my Girlfriend was also fake."

I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY!

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I hate your Videoke songs!

My list of hateful Videoke songs...

1. Creed- My Sacrifice (the real sacrifice will be listening to this)
2. Edwin Mccain - I'll be (I'll be going home early when I hear this)
3. Rob Thomas - unwell (Everybody will be unwell after you have sung it)
4. Freestyle - Bakit ngayon ka lang (Bakit ngayon ka lang natuto kumanta?!)
5. Incubus - Wish you were here (Wish you were not!)
6. Incubus - Drive (You drive me crazy!)
7. David Cook - Always be my baby (Mariah's version is the best!)
8. Gloria Gaynor - I will survive (No, you won't) -The song abused by the homosexual population
9. Marco Sison - My love will see you through (No it won't)
10. Evanessence - My immortal (You're not..try singing "My way")

kakanta ka or susuntukin kita?

11. Goo Goo Dolls - Iris (You will never be an angel, stop fantasizing)
12. Whitney Houston - I have nothing (You have no voice too)
13. Abba- Dancing Queen (This song is the most abused ever!)
14. The Foundations - Build Me Up Buttercup (People sing this, they do not even know who did it)
15. Chaka Khan - Through The Fire (Good song, but abused!)
16. Aerosmith - i dont want to miss a thing (I wanna miss this one)
17. The calling - Where ever you will go (Stop it..guys..stop singing this song!)
18. Creed - With Arms Wide Open (I...can't...stand...it...anymore!)
19. Bonnie Tyler/Nikki French - Total Eclipse of the Heart (Sorry! hahahaha!)
20. Celine Dion - "My Heart Will Go On" (No, it won't and Titanic the movie sucks!)


* "My way" was not included because I want too see if it's really true that you'd get shot when you sing "My way."

* "Anything For Love" by Meatloaf was not included..because it has a great video.



"My favorite song is "Life dance", the problem is I do not see it in the song list of every Vidoeke bar in the country. I even travelled around the globe in search of this, and I have not seen nor heard anyone singing it in KTV spots. This is really depressing... I want to sing "My way" now..."

I HATE NARUTO!

I do not understand....cannot comprehend....cannot fathom... (ang lalim) the fact that people (Narutards) adore and love Narutwerp.



Naruto..well...

"Naruto Uzumaki, an adolescent ninja who constantly searches for recognition and aspires to become a Hokage, the ninja in his village that is acknowledged as the leader and the strongest of all."

Okay..was that even english? geez..

It's easy to hate a blonde ninja wannabe..really it's easy..but for some (Narutards), they find it easier to worship him.

May this world end in 2012!

Anyway, let me enumerate my reasons...

1. Naruto is a Ninja - Simply outrageous! Outrageously stupid! Come on! A Ninja..who hides in the trees..and gets surprised as he gets spotted by the enemy. NARUTO, You are wearing an ORANGE JUMPSUIT! Even Mr Moleman or Mr Magoo can see you a mile away!

These Ninjas are like cowabunga!

2. Naruto wears a belt - No problem if you wear it the correct way. He wears it on his head. Parents, if you see your kids wearing their belts over their heads...you know who to blame.

Simply gay eh?

3. Naruto does not take a bath - He doesnt. He has this strange dirt marks on his cheeks. So you wanna have that dirty-rugged-carpentero look ha! Sorry, it won`t work.

Snake eyes had enough of this kiddo

4. Naruto talks a lot - REAL Ninjas don't even talk. They Kill! And they kill fast. Narutwerp likes to talk..he dictates what he thinks..and what he is about to do. Here's an excerpt from one of Naruto`s generic and repetitive fight scenes:

Character 1
"Ill use my (insert skill name) on you! To end this once and for all!" *thinking to himself/herself* "If I do this it will drain all my chakra"

Character 2
*thinking to himself/herself* "What an Idiot! If he uses (insert skill name) he/she will drain all of his/her chakra!"

Bad guy
"You cant kill me with that (insert skill name)" "You will drain all your chakra"

Zzz....sorry I dozed off...I think you get the picture...

5. Talking dog - Stupid and not original. Goofy is the best talking dog. And nobody can be better than him!

6. Naruto has no originality - Orange suit? Sorry, you were not the first.

7. Naruto is a virus- Yes, he is responsible of spreading and cowardly replicating not only of himself, but he is responsible for spreading NARUTARDATION.

This is sickening...

8. Naruto promotes Sodomy -Proof? Screen capture below...

I said kick his ass! Not violate his ass!

9. Naruto is such a weak "Ninja" wannabe that this fella below can whoop his behind. He can turn Narutwerp's blonde hair to black!







10. Naruto is trying to be the biggest and lamest Ninja of all time, and I hate him for it. The lamest Ninjas you'd ever see are the Ninja Kids. No question bout that, get your katanas and cut your head off if you think that I am wrong.

I got the amulet..I got the power!

FINAL VERDICT: OVERRATED!!!

"One morning I was so happy that I thought Naruto was in front of our house! I rushed out to hug him! However, I completely stopped! It was not my Idol! But it was the garbage collector! Complete with the Orange Jumpsuit, and agua oxenadad hair!"

I HATE Edward Cullen

Almost everyone in this planet loves and adores Edward Cullen. That is why the world will end in 2012...

You know what?
He is NOTHING!
He's got nothing with our very own PANDOY.

Here's one email I've seen being passed around and initially I find it gay and offensive. So I tweaked it and added "what-would-pandoy-do."

Edward Cullen and a Normal Guy....and PANDOY

A normal guy would say: “I love you Baby!”
Edward Cullen would say: “You are my life now.”
PANDOY says: "I love you" - no shit, no decorations just the real deal.

Normal Guy would say: “I think I am falling for you.”
Edward Cullen would say: “The Lion fell in Love with the Lamb”
PANDOY says: "Lions will eat lambs, how 'bout lamb chops for dinner?"

Normal Guy would say: “You hair looks like a haystack; go brush it!”
Edward Cullen would say: “Your hair looks like a haystack… but I like it.”
PANDOY says: "Your hair looks like a haystack...where is the needle?"

A normal guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicate it to you. Edward Cullen would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano. PANDOY will accuse and file a case against Edward Cullen for plagiarism.

If you die, a normal guy would find another.
If you die, Edward Cullen would kill himself because life without you isn’t worth living.
If you die, PANDOY will resurrect you, because he can.

As you leave the house, a normal guy would say: “Bye, see ya!”
As you leave the house Edward Cullen would say: “Come back to me, love.”
As you leave the house, PANDOY would say: "Pasalubong!"

As you come back home, a normal guy would be watching TV and wouldn’t even notice. As you come back home, Edward Cullen would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song just for you.
As you come back home, PANDOY would be welcoming you with a threesome partner.

A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.
Edward Cullen would make you breakfast everyday.
PANDOY will not make you breakfast, he will make you lunch because you will be too tired due to passionate lovemaking the night before and you will wake up at lunch time.

While you are both out for dinner, a normal guy wouldn’t keep his eyes off the sexy waitress.
Edward Cullen wouldn’t even notice the waitress was a female.
PANDOY will be laughing and shouting "Edward Cullen is gay!"

A normal guy, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.
Edward Cullen, while driving, would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.
PANDOY, will not drive because he is to fly to drive, he will be beside you at the backseat of his limousine. Stylin' and profilin' baby!

While far apart in different places, a normal guy would say: “I miss you.”
While far apart in different places, Edward Cullen would say: “It’s like you’ve taken half myself with you”
While far apart in different places, PANDOY would say: "webcam tayo mamaya 9pm ha?"

A normal guy wouldn’t care or notice if you had nightmares.
Edward Cullen would sing until your nightmares went away.
PANDOY would take action and call mang kepweng to take them away.

A normal guy does it with everyone.
Edward Cullen only does it with one.
PANDOY does it with he one who is with Edward Cullen when he is away.

A normal guy buys you flowers and chocolates.
Edward Cullen buys you a car.
PANDOY gives you 10 billion dollars.

Beat that you pale mutherf*%@&!

EDWARD CULLEN = FAIL!
PANDOY = WIN!
NORMAL GUY= claps for PANDOY!

What I hate 2008

THE HATE OF 2008

1. Twilight -Overhyped and Overrated..result? Disappointment.

2. James Yap - Stop running MR. Overrated. And just like his wife, he has this attitude problem.

Where is Kris when I need her??

3. Shutter Shades - You are not Kanye West.

4. Those crazy scarves! aka shemagh- Yasser Arafat will bomb your house..that is if he was still alive.

You wear a scarf..I bomb your house.

5. "Always be my baby" by David Cook- Stop it already, please.

6. The Boston Celtics and their Bandwagon fans - A real fan huh? So who was the team's starting 5 before KG jumped ship?

A blow by blow coverage of KG

7. Sarah Palin- she's hot, but I hate her. But she's hot...

8. EMO kids- With the bangs covering one eye, and with "depression" smell in the air. I never would have thought being depressed was "cool".

Not in the face, but in the gonads!

9. Gossip Girl - Trying hard to be like Laguna Beach..never heard? go figure.

10. Shisha- Not cool. You look like that caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland. Woopee!

"One puff, Alice. One won't hurt" --Peer pressure

11. Lebron James - Media's favorite, every bandwagon fan's favorite "King".

The "king" let down the robe.

12. Gabriel Valenciano- Who the hell is he? Gary V.'s son. You know what? I hate your dad too.

Quezon City Circle pose.

13. Rayver Cruz- The name alone is the green light for haterdom.

Why Shaina? Why?

14. The hosts of Wowowee- Please..stop...shouting!
15. Boracay/Embassy/Ascend gimik showoff pics - And how did you get it? Oh...by guest list..lol.
16. Lomography/Fish eye- Overrated, not cool. It will not make you artsy, you fartsy.
17. Britney Spears - Stop playing her songs in the radio! Please! Or imma hit you one more time!
18. Santa Claus- The God of greed and materialism! He's not even real!

19 "Jump shots" - Be it in the beach, office or in the club, this will never be cool!

20. Freddie Roach- Why? Because he said this: “In a perfect world, I would like to see him fight Ricky Hatton and then Floyd Mayweather Jr. and then I would like to see Manny retire, and become President of the Philippines.”--Okay, Freddie...

"Show me the Manny! Show me the Manny!"

"When it rained last December 31, it did not stop me from lighting firerworks! I was still able to make paputok. Pinutok ko sa loob! I was able to set a sawa inside the house and I was able to drive out not only the evil spirits, but also the residents of our house! Beat that!"

HAHA!

OH MY GONADS!!!

The best "christmas gift" for that Twilight Fanatic.

Better watch out Twilight fools..err fans...Since ABS-CBN bought the television rights for the stupidly insane novel series... No, not Narnia.

ABS-CBN is going to localize this so called "(s)hit". No, they will not be showing the movie dubbed in tagalog/filipino, but a local production of it will be done.

Filipino originality at it's best! haha!
(Actually it's a clear bandwagonning thing...more of a strike while the iron is hot kind of thing.
Can I strike your head?)

Some twilight retard fanatics say this will just ruin the twilight story and original film. Umm, REALITY CHECK: actually it won't... You cannot ruin something that is already ruined!

It's crazy and yes, I do hate it.

It's like Carlos Agassi rapping and some wannabe rapper guy imitating how he raps.

I think this is a slap in the face for Twilight diehards (with or without brain).

I pity you guys and Gays...because y'all deserve it.

LOL.

"The best filipino vampire I ever saw on TV/movies was Redford white. The movie was "Darakula". He was tough, he was not afraid of the crucifix. I even have the poster below as proof that this movie was real. I remember eating balut inside the movie house in Quiapo when I first saw this masterpiece."

Redford is the only Vampire to use a crucifix, beat that!